The Ghost of a Former Self

Revisiting Tanzania should have been like coming home. And indeed, in some ways it was. I’ve spent more years of my life in that beautiful country than anywhere else on earth. However, after seven years apart from it, I have changed significantly (I am now an adult, for one thing), and so has my beloved home. So instead of sliding mould-like back into the construct of my Tanzanian life, I found instead that I was an outside observer – a new self, tracing the trails of, and hunting the ghost of a former self.

Memory is a sloppy record-keeper. Places are remembered larger, and the distances between them shorter. Some details are ignored, while others figure so prominently in a memory that the subject becomes trivially reduced to an inane caricature. Smells have such strong associations; why is that? Mercifully, there are also some memories that are spot on.

I think it was important to go back – to become re-acquainted with my childhood self and, this time, to know it more fully. There is some closure in this exercise. There is the realization that the former and current selves are both fully “me”, and yet paradoxically distinct. Such a realization inevitably diverts my backward-staring gaze, and turns it to the future: who will the next “me” be?

Reflections on a Year

With one last stroke of the pen, I close the exam booklet, and exit the classroom door into the brilliant sunshine of a summer well-earned! Alright, so maybe it’s actually miserably cold and rainy outside, but to me it couldn’t be sunnier!

Tomorrow will be May 15, marking exactly one year since the medical schools sent out their acceptance emails (and for me, a waiting-list notification). May 15 one year ago finds me in central Sudan – getting stung by a scorpion, and wondering what the future might hold. Tomorrow, the upcoming class of ‘Queen’s Meds 2013′ will recieve their good news! So, it seems a fitting moment to reflect upon a year of much change.

They say about medical school that “the days will be long, and yet the years will be short”. How very true so far! Glancing back in my memories reveals a whirlwind of adventure, growth, and adaptation; a breakneck ride, too exhilarating to have possibly dragged on for an entire year.

Yet I marvel at how far our class has come! I remember walking into the lecture-hall on a crisp Fall day, and nervously meeting one another for the first time. That same week, we purchased our first white coats and took up anatomy with earnest in the cadaver lab.

We are a different group today. We speak a new language, and possess a new library of knowledge. We’re not as scared of the patients anymore! In fact, many of my class are budding artists in the fine skill of physical examination. We have bonded well as a group, not least of all due to shared duress. We are finding purpose, and have begun developing dreams for the directions in which this wild ride could be headed. There is no doubt in my mind that medical school profoundly changes a person.

I also now believe in the system! Noticing the growth that Queen’s has fostered amongst us in just one year, it finally seems conceivable that in three more of the same, we might actually emerge as doctors. There are many long days still to be endured (and the trial of clerkship hasn’t even started yet!), but I now believe that we will make it. 

And now… to the sunshine, to feeling like a human again, and to summer!

The Absolute Importance of Poetry

When materialism makes its ugly claim that all the universe is no more than a raucous tangle of atoms; when medicine jeers at you that you’re nothing but blood, bones, and viscera; when nature’s true mystery is masked by the cog-wheeled, deterministic costume I impose upon her; that is when I would do well to remember the absolute importance of poetry.

By ‘poetry’ I mean not merely lines of rhythmic prose, rhyming or otherwise. But also the poetry of story, of song, and of artistic creation. I mean the poetry that exists within expressions of the human soul as she cries out “there is more!” More than mere mechanism, there is beauty; there is also truth.

You atoms: not even if you assembled evolution’s finest eyes could you look upon, and marvel at, the exquisite beauty of the world. You nerve cells: not even if you assembled neuroscience’s most-impressive brain could you find delight in immortal, rational truth.

But poetry, song, story, and art (which are not bound by blind, obedient nature) all perceive the “something more” with wondrous ease. And so when my mind has foolishly forgotten that it contains more than simple atoms and slow nerve cells, I must remember the absolute importance of poetry. It is the immaterial remedy for my immaterial disease.

Who Ever Said Med. Students Can’t Cook?

As is true for everything that I cook, all credit goes to the source of the recipes, the one who taught me how, and the best cook I know: my mom.

Made with a few classmates (yes! all med. students – can you believe it?)…

Taking a ‘Sarah McLachlan Night’

I’m so utterly, and profoundly exhausted… 

So I’m officially taking a ‘Sarah McLachlin Night’. No textbooks. No computer (after this post). Just a novel, ice cream, and Sarah McLachlin. Highly recommended !

Update Your Bookmarks

Just a quick note to inform you that, sadly, www.jasonbooysmells.com will no longer redirect to this blog. My good friend Matt who kindly selected that domain name (thanks Matt ) is understandably letting go of the domain rights. You will now need to use the more correct, but indeed more boring, web address: www.jbooy.wordpress.com

Perpetually Incompetent

As it should be, medical education is progressive; the material builds on itself. You can’t just disassemble clinical competence, and learn it in chunks (though I rather wish that I could). Instead, you’ve got to start with a foundation and build up from it, layer by layer.

The unfortunate part of that for me, the student, is that it makes me perpetually incompetent. Just as I’ve polished off one layer of knowledge or skill and am rather pleased with myself, suddenly I become aware that there’s a whole new layer to build! I’m told that it never stops; you will always be one step behind. As a student, you are always in the vulnerable position of applying your knowledge where it’s never been applied before, or performing a technique for the very first time.

For people like me who take comfort in having their life organized (read: control freak), this has required some adjustment. I’m accustomed to riding the top of the wave – ensuring maximal preparedness so that I perform in every scenario at my personal best. You can’t do that here; the waves come too fast. And besides, no amount of preparation can change the reality that the first time you perform a technique on a patient, or the first time you suspect a certain diagnosis, it will always still be your first time. You will feel incompetent.

So I’m learning to body-surf in the wake, instead of riding the wave-tops. I can never be fully prepared, or entirely ‘on my game’. But assuredly, I will harness every joule of energy in the waves that are breaking over me to pull me forward.

Waking Up

Lately, I’ve been trying to solve the mystery of who is the person that keeps waking up in my bed in the mornings. It’s not me. I like to get up early, get a decent start on the day, and never over-indulge on sleep. But the person who wakes up in my bed is different. He likes to sleep-in until the last possible moment. He’s pathologically addicted to sleep, demanding as much of it as he can get.

The dangerous part, is that he can expertly de-activate the alarm before I’ve become conscious enough to stop him. He’s quick with numbers (further evidence that he is not me!), and can precisely calculate the latest possible minute that sleep is possible, leaving just barely enough time afterwards to get ready and make my first engagement. 

I’ve tried reasoning with him. I am determined to find his weakness. So far, I have discerned that it is not food. Buying the ingredients for an amazing breakfast, but one that requires some time to prepare, was unsuccessful, since he still opts for the sleep and a faster bowl of cereal afterwards. I’ve also tried humiliation. Before going to bed, I tell a few people what time I hope to be awake. When I oversleep that time by a few hours, it is highly embarrassing! I guess he doesn’t care much what people think, howevcr, because that also didn’t work.

If you have any ideas for how to negotiate with this person that keeps waking up in my bed, please pass them on! I’m desperate!

Discovering Kindred Spirits… in Stages

From the limited Lucy Montgomery that I’ve read, I’ve treasured the most her concept of kindred spirits. It’s the idea of someone who you can connect with on a level that transcends the physical. You somehow just “get each other”! Often you don’t require a lot of words to communicate with one another, and those words that you do share have strong resonance because your hearts are in tune. In some indiscernible way, your spirits are related and share a common understanding.

Hopefully you’ve experienced the joy of discovering a kindred spirit. I know that I’ve been blessed to have known a few. But after recently moving to a new city and leaving behind some of my spirit’s closest kin, I’ve found myself searching again. I miss the familiarity of old friends, and notice a lacking in my new life of intimate, meaningful friendships. This can be disappointing.

But I’m learning that relationships take time, and that we don’t always give our spirits the chance to discover each other. We put up guards of busyness, independence, and pride. It’s only in the brief moments of losing our defences that our spirits are given the opportunity to discover one another; but what a transforming and wonderful moment that is! The spirit rejoices at finally finding a relative.

I believe that you will find kindred spirits wherever you go. But you must remember to look for them, and not to hide behind your mind’s fortifications. Most of all, you have to realize that connecting with people on this level takes time, and that having an isolated spirit for a period will only intensify the joy of eventually re-discovering kindred spirits.

Becoming Home

For those of you who’ve been asking, here are finally a few pictures of my new apartment. It’s very cozy! And slowly it’s becoming home.

(Keep in mind that none of the stuff belongs to us! We rented the apartment fully furnished, so we can’t take credit for the design, nor the higher-than-student quality).