Perpetually Incompetent

As it should be, medical education is progressive; the material builds on itself. You can’t just disassemble clinical competence, and learn it in chunks (though I rather wish that I could). Instead, you’ve got to start with a foundation and build up from it, layer by layer.

The unfortunate part of that for me, the student, is that it makes me perpetually incompetent. Just as I’ve polished off one layer of knowledge or skill and am rather pleased with myself, suddenly I become aware that there’s a whole new layer to build! I’m told that it never stops; you will always be one step behind. As a student, you are always in the vulnerable position of applying your knowledge where it’s never been applied before, or performing a technique for the very first time.

For people like me who take comfort in having their life organized (read: control freak), this has required some adjustment. I’m accustomed to riding the top of the wave – ensuring maximal preparedness so that I perform in every scenario at my personal best. You can’t do that here; the waves come too fast. And besides, no amount of preparation can change the reality that the first time you perform a technique on a patient, or the first time you suspect a certain diagnosis, it will always still be your first time. You will feel incompetent.

So I’m learning to body-surf in the wake, instead of riding the wave-tops. I can never be fully prepared, or entirely ‘on my game’. But assuredly, I will harness every joule of energy in the waves that are breaking over me to pull me forward.